I was born on a hillside in Sri Lanka and raised by elephants. I am responsible for butterflies. I am the 1,000th customer. I am a master craftsman. I consult to the worlds foremost brain surgeons. I capture gibbons. I have received offers from the NFL. I have stock options. Children do not cry when I am near. I am a ruthless art critic. I can build a functional hydrofoil using only chewing gum and half-smoked cigars. I type 350 words a minute. I am the foremost authority on German transportation systems and the mating habits of the gnu. Physics does not apply to me. I am 13 feet tall. If I concentrate, I can change the size of my thumbs. I eat once every two months. I am under constant surveillance by my cats who I occasionally elude by transforming myself into 3 small Vietnamese boys. The design of the Internet is based on my nervous system. I hob-nob with kings, poets, and beggars. I swim with dolphins. Einstein named his favorite pet dog after me. I am the only white woman to be allowed to dance in native rituals in a small island off the coast of New Zealand. Elvis borrows my clothing. I am revered as a god by a rare species of ants. I corrected the Da Vinci parchments. I am in charge of the weather. I have a soundtrack. I confuse magicians. I founded 2 countries in Europe. I scored the winning goal in the World Cup. I am the queen of many towns and villages. Occasionally, I teach insects how to write their name. I am the subject of numerous urban myths. I design trees. Clockmakers envy my talents. I dominate the full-contact origami circles. I once captured a bear and taught him to read Braille. On Sundays, I redesign the Louvre. I hold the world record for the javelin toss. I created four languages in a single day and still had time to remaster the entire works of Mozart. I use different vowels. My remarkable ability to emulate the writing of the great philosophers has won me 4 Nobel prizes and 2 Oscars. Mosquitoes fear me.