This is me, in a nutshell; (insert Photoshopped image of my face in a nutshell here).

Born and raised in America, I've spent time in Japan, Ireland, and England. Plotting a return.

I want to put up a map of the world in my apartment and then I'll put all those little red pushpins to the locations I've been to, but first I need to travel to the top two corners so it doesn't fall down. (Yes, that's a Mitch Hedberg joke)

I make a bitchin' sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich. It's a relatively-long, intricate process, but trust me, it's worth the wait. I've made them for past roommates' girlfriends. I'll make you one in the morning. And by morning I mean early afternoon. When I wake up.

I excel at sidewalk etiquette (walking on the correct [righthand] side; not burying my head in my smartphone; not walking more than two a side, etc.). I also use all 14 punctuation marks (especially parenthesis and ellipses) in the English language. Except curly brackets.

Lastly, considering our striking resemblance, Leonardo DiCaprio could play my stunt double. That is, if I didn't already do my own stunts.

I'm also fluent in sarcasm and self-deprecation.